It is something I am not proud of by any means. I thought I was making things better and I made things far worse than I ever expected. Inexplicably I put my own selfish needs and desires ahead of someone else . I adore more than words can explain.
I was feeling insecure, lonely, and sad. What I did was lose someone dear to me and did so without thinking of her situation. .
Because of my own stupidity I humiliated someone for no good reason other than I felt unwanted. and fearful of rejection.
What I write here is not an attempt to get back into her good graces. It is not an attempt to do anything but publicly apologize to someone I truly admire and wanted in my life. I thought I was saving us both unnecessary pain, but I ended up causing more than I can fathom.
I'll be the first to admit that I am absolutely sick with grief at how this changed you and I. I will also admit that my feelings for you and my misguided assumptions about our friendship, and my inability to be man enough to tell you how I felt about you has lead us to this point. My remorse at adding to your pain is monumental. And for everything I did and said because I ultimately wanted to spare MYSELF I am truly, undeniably and forever sorry.
I do not know if you will ever read this, Stephanie. But I wanted to do this publicly because I felt it necessary to show you and to the world that I fucked up beyond belief. I fucked up our friendship because I am a complete moron.
Words can never express how important you are to me. I know I am not worthy of your time or your affection. I am not asking you to forgive me. I am simply stating on a public forum how my actions cause you pain.
3 comments:
velitscrI know you from Myspace and Facebook and I read everything you wrote here. You have trust issues because you've been hurt in the past. You are not as worthless as you think. It takes a very brave person to tell somebody you are sorry and you can admit your faults. Most men don't. Keep a stiff upper lip. This will pass. I wish somebody would do this for me.
I disagree with a lot of the things you have stated. Here is my break-down of what I have just read. I hope neither of you will mind..but I feel the need to say why I do not agree...so here it goes...I find a litany or mistruths in your letter:
1. You have never to this day failed me as a friend so I strongly doubt you have failed Stephanie - though I can not speak for her of course.
2. You are a good communicator - so you did not 'fail miserably'
I am at a loss to understand why you feel you have failed... you probably haven't.
3. How have you been selfish? you have not..and if I know you well you have not put your needs first...more like you are a romantic soul...mistake me if I am wrong... :) Since when are you a narcissist? I think NOT!
4. We all feel sad at the best of times - surely you have not lost Stephanie..and well I hope Stephanie will understand that you were simply having a low moment - nothing more!
5. What have you done wrong? You listen to all your friends..you give your thoughts - our thoughts can differ from time to time..but that does not mean you are stupid at all - on the contrary.
6. The fact you could write something as thoughtful as this publicly is an action - a GOOD action - you are putting her on a pedestal which I can only hope she appreciates - but I do not know so I can not comment - its not my business..
7. Finally: if it helps you to write - then write..its a great outlet. I like the way you write and the fact like Jane says you are brave to say all these things..so why are you putting yourself down in some of your paragraphs... please don't! because you are a good person - it is permeating through your words.
Actions speak louder then words..
Barbara.
I think you have put this girl on a pedestal as the poster before me pointed out. She must mean an awful lot to you. But remember as I have read your excellent but sad story about that girl in New Hampshire, there is nothing like dating someone near you.
You seem like a genuine person and you will find somebody. There is a person out there for all of us.
Good Luck!!!
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