Monday, May 31, 2010

Knowing........

When to let go has always been hard for me. Frankly, I am one who exhausts all efforts to try to resolve any situation, no matter how long it may take......


When to understand the signs staring you in the face that anything worth having comes at a cost, but not when that cost is far more than you can afford.......


When to say 'Enough" and stop tripping over oneself in a foolish dance that begins and ends on the same note. Be it sharp or flat. The music stops and you are always the one left without the chair......


When to realize that the effort taken has been one sided and the return on the investment nil. Because you were dealt a loaded deck at the table, and everyone knew but you.....


When continuing an effort is not only futile, but damaging to one's self, to their physical and emotional well being......


When you finally know the game is done and to even continue at this juncture is pointless......


When you figure out that despite protests to the contrary, no one will be there to catch you when you fall, even when you have been there so often to catch others......


When you see an untenable position, and finally understand that the game and it's players, have bested you. and you are forced to lay your sword and your throat at the mercy of the game itself......


Knowing these things I think I always did in the back of my mind. Despite that I drudged on like an army that already knew it was defeated. I just could not admit it to myself.


I have lost so much more than just this....so much, much more.......












Friday, May 7, 2010

An Open Letter To Stephanie

Yesterday evening I selfishly undertook an ill thought out action that resulted in hurting someone I care deeply about. In one fell swoop I failed miserably in my communication skills. I failed as a friend, and as a human being.

It is something I am not proud of by any means. I thought I was making things better and I made things far worse than I ever expected. Inexplicably I put my own selfish needs and desires ahead of someone else . I adore more than words can explain.

I was feeling insecure, lonely, and sad. What I did was lose someone dear to me and did so without thinking of her situation. .
Because of my own stupidity I humiliated someone for no good reason other than I felt unwanted. and fearful of rejection.

What I write here is not an attempt to get back into her good graces. It is not an attempt to do anything but publicly apologize to someone I truly admire and wanted in my life. I thought I was saving us both unnecessary pain, but I ended up causing more than I can fathom.

I'll be the first to admit that I am absolutely sick with grief at how this changed you and I. I will also admit that my feelings for you and my misguided assumptions about our friendship, and my inability to be man enough to tell you how I felt about you has lead us to this point. My remorse at adding to your pain is monumental. And for everything I did and said because I ultimately wanted to spare MYSELF I am truly, undeniably and forever sorry.

I do not know if you will ever read this, Stephanie. But I wanted to do this publicly because I felt it necessary to show you and to the world that I fucked up beyond belief. I fucked up our friendship because I am a complete moron.

Words can never express how important you are to me. I know I am not worthy of your time or your affection. I am not asking you to forgive me. I am simply stating on a public forum how my actions cause you pain.