Thursday, February 7, 2008

Amanda & I (Part 2)

Amanda, as I’ve already stated had a penchant for boxing. In mid November, she went and participated in a match in Connecticut. Amanda won by knockout. Imagine that…a knockout delivering a knockout. The evenings before and following her match we had quite the game of text tag going. Between us that first night within the space of 3 hours some 48 messages were sent. I have kept each and every text I ever sent or received from Amanda. At this point we had moved in a very short period of time from mindless banter to serious flirting. These texts were some of the sweetest things I’d ever written, as were those on her part. Calling each other such things as beautiful, sweetheart, king, queen, and our most common term, HONEY. A lot of honeys have passed between us in a very short period of time.

I didn’t know what Amanda thought at that point, since with her lifestyle she always had more than a handful of men around her. I do admit that it bothered me. One incident in particular one afternoon in which she was attacked by one of her new “friends” in her home gave me pause. I never brought it up much after that, but the fact that she had only male friends(which many exotic dancers do, mainly because these young men tend to be hangers on in the hopes that they will be accorded some kind of sexual favors) did make me wonder at times about her sincerity. As I will describe at another point, this fact became a stumbling block in our friendship from an honesty standpoint. To her I’m sure it seemed benign. To me, it was malevolent.

That being said, during the Thanksgiving holiday was the first inkling I ever got that my feelings for Amanda were more than just friendly. My computer had broken, and directly after Thanksgiving, Amanda disappeared for the first time (it would not be the last by a long shot). I found myself yearning for her at this point. It almost seemed unnatural. Amanda and I had struck up quite a friendly relationship, and her absence, without any explanation began to at first concern, which spiraled into depression, due to lack of any news from her for 9 days. This was the first time I had received an explanation upon her return. At the time, I didn’t think much about it, but as time grew on, the more incredulous I became. Amanda had told me she was in the hospital for 3 days with pneumonia, and then after her release from the hospital, went on a hunting trip. Once again, when she reappeared, I was simply happy to hear from her and never questioned her story, as implausible as it seems in hindsight. The fact that we had a breakdown in communication at this point would lead to other breakdowns in communication that would mar the remainder of our relationship.

That day she returned we spoke at length on the phone. It was at that point when she told me she felt bad about not being in contact with me. At this point I asked her for a firm date for a meeting. I said to her that I would like to spend my birthday with her. She had a one word response: “Done”.


Finally I had pinned her down. She provided a description that I would later come to question. She told me she would have somebody come and get me on February 12th, two days before my Valentine’s Day birthday. On my birthday I would be arriving at her home, and we would have a chance to be together. I asked her if she was sure:

“I always get what I want, and I want YOU”.

It seemed that everything was going to fall into place. This angel with pink wings had finally swept me off my feet. She told me when she saw me that she was going to give me a kiss “as big as the sky”. It was also at this time when I knew for sure that I was falling in love with Amanda. I knew she could tell how I felt, but she was waiting for me to say it. I wasn’t sure at all if it was appropriate for me to tell her. As a matter of fact, I agonized that whole weekend whether I should tell her. I knew that if I did that things would change drastically for us. It was a double edged sword.

If I said something, what if it wasn’t returned? What if she just ran away? What if she told me never to speak to her again? I was nervous, as nervous as I’ve ever felt. I had not been in love since Amanda was a baby, and I knew that I was taking a huge risk. After thinking about her all that Saturday and Sunday, in which she called me both days, I could not get the words out of my mouth. I was petrified to be rejected. If I was rejected, it would have meant the end of our relationship. If she didn’t feel the same way, I knew I’d never see her, let alone hear from her again. This woman had single handedly been responsible for making me feel good about myself again. She understood me. She knew my desires, my dreams. My biggest dream to date was to be at her side, and love her, because she needed to be loved as much as I did.

The following Monday evening I was at home on the internet when Amanda signed in on her Instant Messenger. I was happy to see her beautiful face appear on my screen. I was also determined that If I didn’t tell her how I felt, that I may never get the chance. It was just a risk I was going to have to take. So as our conversation began, we made the usual small talk. She had gotten snow tires for her car and truck the previous weekend. So we danced around that subject for a little bit. Then it was time for me to drop the bomb. The following is the text of what was said between Amanda and me that evening:




Me: “I have something else I need to tell you. I don’t know how you are going to take this?”
Amanda: “Ok”
Me:“Ok, here it goes…..oh shit. In a nutshell, I find myself falling very hard for you”.
Amanda: “Ahh….Honey”.
Me: “Like you may be the ONE”.
Amanda: ” MMMM”.
Me: “Huh?”
Amanda: “Taking words out of my mouth again. You are good at that”.

And with that, Amanda signed off her computer without another word.

The next morning I was distraught. I did not sleep the whole night. I had sent a text to Amanda pleading for forgiveness for dropping the bomb on her. I felt that it was all over. I figured that her dropping out of the conversation was her way of telling me that indeed she had no feelings like that. I took it as a sign that our relationship was over. I cried that whole Tuesday afternoon, curling up into a ball, cursing myself for my stupidity. As far as I knew, I’d never hear from her again. I was shattered because I got nothing in return except cut off.

I spent that entire day with my phone shut off, my blinds drawn, and drinking as much beer as I could. I was once again going to drown my sorrows in the bottom of a bottle. That night, I gathered my faculties long enough to write an appeal of sorts to Amanda in the form of poetry. I had never written poetry in my life, but something inside me came out that I can only describe as romantic. I penned the following poem and sent it via email to her:

Since I haven't heard from you
I thought I'd take the time
to write a poem just for you
since you like things that rhyme

When we met some time ago
I was low in life and down
You said you'd give me quite a show
And make me lose my frown

So young you are, such tender age
Rebellious, full of strife
Behind your smile, you're quite a sage
From struggles in your life

You've told me things about yourself
Things about your past
Things that you would rather shelf
From living life so fast

The feelings you've brought out in me
Sometimes have left me scared
You took the time to make me see
Just how much that you've cared

I've wondered what you think about
Before you go to sleep
I've wondered if you think about
My passion running deep

The times that I don’t hear from you
I simply want to scream
The time I spend away from you
I'm forced to simply dream

I've dreamed about you, dressed in pink
You know I love your style
Your hair, your lips, but yes I think
You've known that for a while

I love your humor, yes I do
A quick and witty pun
I love the things that you can do
With 2 wheels and a gun

Many nights I only guess
As to where you are
Right now Hun, and this I stress
I'm Wishing on Our Star

I wish that you were in my arms
The things I need to say!
I wish that you were in my arms
and not so far away

I wish I wasn’t such an ass
To you the other night
The things I need to say, my lass
Would not make you take flight

I want to say to you, my Sweet
I want you to be sure
I want to say to you, my Sweet
I want things like they were

I have to say Amanda, Dear
I pray to God you see
I have to say Amanda, Dear
I want you back with me

You're Wonderful...Amanda, you are
And This I know is true
I love everything that you are
That's why I fell for you

I know I’m not exactly a poet, but it was from the heart, and the very first piece of poetry I’ve ever written in my 42 years on Earth. I sent it off with grave doubt in my mind on whether or not it would be read, let alone responded to. The only thing I could do now is wait. That became a cornerstone of our relationship……waiting.


*************************

The following morning my eyes were still stinging from the bouts of crying from the night before. I felt terrible. My stomach ached from the dry heaves I had developed. I had cried that hard. I had not felt this way about a woman in twenty years, and it seemed once again that I would be alone, without the love that had been brought out in me from the words of Amanda. As I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling, I was lost in a world of depression. It had been nearly two days since I had revealed my feelings to Amanda. I had no idea if I would hear from her. Had my profession of love for Amanda driven her away? Had I blown what I felt was my last chance to be with someone who I wanted, who I needed, and who I felt like had become part of me? A part of me that had been craving to be loved by someone as wonderful as I knew Amanda could be?


All of sudden the phone rang. I looked at the ID on the phone. It was Amanda. I admit I was petrified to pick up the phone. I was petrified by what words would be spoken from 1000 miles away on the other line. I hesitantly picked up the phone. What I was about to experience was one of the happiest moments of my life.

Amanda, after asking me how I was, asked me if I had looked at her email she had sent me. I said I had not. She said “Get your ass up and look at your email!” I went to my computer, turned it on which seemed like forever as she held on the line. I could tell she was smiling, because she kept asking me if I was looking at it.

“It’s slow, Amanda. Why don’t you just tell me?”
“Read the email, Todd!”
The email came up on the screen. After explaining why she broke off the conversation, she had written the end of the message, words that jumped to life, and shot into my eyes as if fired from cannon:
“I want you to know you have my heart, my soul, and my love. I do not know what you will do with them, but it is yours”.
With one sentence, Amanda had made me the happiest man on the face of this Earth. Everything I hoped for. Everything I dreamed of. Every word I had written or spoken to her had given birth to a flood of ecstasy. Every emotion that I had felt, every sleepless night of the past 20 years, wondering when I would love again was gone. Amanda had told me the one thing I needed to hear. Amanda was in love with me, too. I began to cry tears of joy. Amanda, who is not much of the crying sort, laughed and giggled and told me it was alright. Then I was able to hear her for the first time in our short time knowing each other utter the words I’d been waiting for.
“I LOVE YOU”.
The next few minutes were spent exchanging that sentiment back and forth as if neither of us had ever heard it. Truly it was one of those moments that I’ll remember for the rest of my life. One of those moments a person has that they can tell you exactly where they were, what they were wearing, what the weather was like. I hugged my dog and told her I loved her. I hugged my cat, and told her I loved her. I kept saying it over and over to Amanda, and she returned with a smile in her voice each and every time. She was at the time driving home from class, and quipped about seeing the same homeless man walking down the road on the return trip as she had seen him on her way to school.

We talked about what our lives were going to be like. How we couldn’t wait for February, when I would be joining her at her home. How we were going to start our lives together and how wonderful it was all going to be. She rang off and I danced around my apartment in a victory dance. My dog howled and my cat cringed. I jumped up and down like a child saying over and over: She loves me….she loves me….SHE LOVES ME!

Amanda called back about 15 minutes later. She was ecstatic. An animal lover, she had rescued an injured raccoon in mid November, actually risking her own safety by wrapping the poor thing in a blanket and rushing it to the Department of Wildlife, under the promise that if they were able to fix up the little guy that he would be returned to her property. I’ve seen pictures of him. He is a woodland creature that loves Amanda as much as I do. She was happy because the raccoon was back. He had been returned to her and he came out when she whistled for him. Between saying how much she loved both me and that damn raccoon, it was the happiest I’d ever heard her sound. The sun was shining, it was a beautiful day. We were in love, the raccoon was home, and we started talking about our plans. She said when I got to her she was going to tie me up and never let me go. I told her she could tie me up anytime she wanted, as long as she never left me. She said she would make good on her promise to be my birthday present dressed only in a pink ribbon. The thoughts I had at that moment. The thoughts of finally touching her, looking into her eyes, kissing her, holding her, making love to her. She was everything I could ask for. Amanda is so beautiful, so smart, and so wonderful. At that moment in time, the stars were aligned. At that moment in time, the heavens sang. At that moment in time, I was as happy as I’d ever been. At that moment in time, I could see us spending our lives together.

She had to go to her parent’s house that afternoon. She told me that we would IM as soon as she got there. About 25 minutes later, Amanda appeared on my Instant Messenger board. Once again, exchanges of I love you permeated the conversation. We talked about the raccoon, and how we could not wait for February. After a few moments of silence, she came back on and said that she had to go. Her mother, who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, was not doing well. She told me she would speak to me later. Not thinking any more about it, I responded that it was ok, and that I would talk to her later that evening. She clicked off before I got a chance to say I loved her just one more time. But I was still riding a wave of happiness, and did so that entire afternoon.

I had no idea of knowing that day was the last time Amanda and I would ever be happy together.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm still waiting for the part when you sent this chick money, dude. Cant you see that she was nothing but trouble already. I would have run from this skank pronto

Anonymous said...

No kidding, You had to have sent her money!

Anonymous said...

Don't be embarrassed! This has happened to more people than you can imagine. The net has millions of stories from those whom they met online where they either turned out too good to be true or in many cases, an outright lie. It is not your fault, nor should you feel ashamed that you cared about someone. You seem like a sweet man that someone would be lucky to have. Just think of what this girl's future is, and you'll rest easier knowing it's the best thing for you to walk away. You may not think that now, but you will!