Amanda & I (Part 1)

Imagine my surprise the last week of September of this past year. I had been writing my blog for my Live Space. On that space I had listed my interests (among other things) as Strippers, Sex, and Sex with Strippers. I opened up my email that morning, expecting the usual junk, phishing scams, and maybe some messages from one of my friends, who are scattered across the Globe. One message in particular caught my eye immediately. It came with a small thumbnail photo of a deliciously beautiful redhead, wearing a shining crucifix, and blazing good looks. “What was this? Who was this? More importantly, what was the message from this absolute beauty?”

Opening that original message was the beginning of an odyssey that culminated with the writing of this story.
The story that follows is a story that is true in its entirety. It’s a story of two people, who had a chance online meeting. It’s a story about falling in love without first setting eyes on someone. It’s a story about what it means to someone to find that they hope is THE ONE. It’s also the story about my journey from the depths of depression, to the highest mountain, only to be thrust back into the reality that comes with long distance and the perils (real and perceived) of an online relationship. I write this story because Amanda came into my life out of nowhere. She came as if she descended from Heaven. She made me feel things I have not felt for Years, and may never feel again. She left me a changed man. A changed man that has to tell this story, because for those who say you can’t fall in love without seeing the other person, they never met someone like Amanda.
That beautiful, angelic face and the message that followed was simply this:
“I’d strip for you any time. LOL.
You have an awesome sense of humor.
Just thought I’d let you know.”
I really was taken aback by this message. I had never really expected anyone to contact me out of the blue, let alone a beautiful redhead with such a forward introduction! Of course I had been under the impression that my sense of humor was offensive and raunchy at best. At worst, it had always caused people to accuse me of all sorts of mental problems. I have a sense of humor that comedians don’t dare use on stage, lest they fall into the dustbin of comedic history, such as a Michael Richards, or more accurately, Andrew “Dice” Clay.


Of course, my surprise was surpassed almost instantaneously by practically any carnal thought that could pass at the moment through the mind of a middle aged man. As those eyes bore fire into my brain from across that screen, the only option after this initial shock was, as any red blooded American male with one ounce of common sense would understand, to respond as soon as humanly possible.
I admit that morning I broke into a sweat as I tried to write some witty response. As rare an occurrence as this was, it is even rarer that I have ever found myself at a loss for words.
In this moment in time…..at this very moment…..I found myself in exactly that predicament.
I tried to think of anything…ANYTHING that would not sound callous or stupid. I smartly visited her site to see what this young damsel was about. After looking at her space profile it almost seemed like the classic canned rundown: 19 years of age, Student by day, Stripper by night. Her interests included in large block letters: SNOWBOARDING.
The interests in lower case (I came to realize very quickly that Amanda’s writing style includes a very peculiar feature in that most of her writing is in lower case) included Boxing (interesting) Driving aimlessly (not a surprise from a young lady) Swimming (I thought about what she must look like in a thong, and once again I began to sweat) planting flowers, and decorating her house. Strangely enough from that first moment I never looked at her because she was a dancer. I was enthralled because of that hair and those beautiful eyes.
I didn’t think I could say anything about boxing, since I’ve never been in the ring. I’ve never snowboarded, I don’t plant flowers, and I sure as hell don’t spend much time decorating my house. Swimming and strippers was about all we had in common at the initial contact stage, and since I didn’t want to talk about my freestyle swimming stroke, by process of elimination it was going to have to be something about the exotic dancing profession. So off to the keyboard I went.
The plunking I gave that computer that morning was like slow motion. What to say? WHAT THE HELL TO SAY?
My only response was this:

“Thank You. Yes I love strippers….they have some of the best stories to tell because they see people at their worst. Only you can imagine the cheesy pickup lines they have to endure. I like your site as well. Is it ok if I add you to my friends list?”

Amanda responded in the affirmative. It was the beginning of some of the greatest moments of my life, as well as some of the worst.

I quickly learned that Amanda had quite a wit, and an awesome eye for photography. Something however always remained a constant. And that was her intelligence. She wasn’t a pre-law student for nothing.

Amanda had what I can only describe as a horrific upbringing. She never really had the love of a mother that she so desperately wanted. Forced to leave her home at the tender age of 14, she lived with her best friend for a period of time, working on cars to make money. Amanda is a grease monkey with angel eyes. She always told me that no one ever believed how good she was under the hood until they watched her. She also witnessed the horror of watching her friend be killed by a stray bullet. She told me that the crucifix that is around her neck is something she has never taken off, as it was given to her when her friend was dying. Milling around aimlessly for a number of years, earning a hardscrabble existence, she went through a series of relationships, culminating in her winning a trip to Las Vegas, where she joined an amateur show, made enough money to come back east and buying the home where she now resides. All this life had been lived by the age of 19.

My interaction with Amanda increased little by little. I admit I was very interested in her looks, but I also began to converse with her through weekly emails about run of the mill experiences. I always found her warm, and pleasant. That was what really attracted me to her, was that she had been through so much pain in her life, but yet had come out of it a grounded woman. She was currently at an East Coast University studying criminal law, but her plans were to get into juvenile law at some point.

It looked like a very bright future for a very bright young woman.


I had joked with her on more than one occasion that I had had my run in with the law as a younger man, and I would be very proud to have someone as beautiful and smart as her defending me.

I had gone out of town for a week to take some time from my research and give myself a break. This was around the middle of October. I had only met Amanda two weeks earlier, but the entire time I was gone, I could not stop thinking about her. I hit her site from where I was in Chicago, and noticed she had posted some pictures of herself hiking on top of Mt. Chocurua in New England. She looked radiant on top of that mountain, at peace with the world. She was looking out at the range beyond her fixed in time. One of the most beautiful pictures I’d ever seen.
That whole time I was gone, I couldn’t get her out of my mind. Something about her made me feel young again. I had no designs that I could ever tell her. I mean I am 23 years her senior, old enough to be her father. Something about her made me want to begin living again.

I myself am no stranger to love or heartache. I had dated a dancer who I almost married. She eventually cheated on me and I ended it. Ironically it was two days after Amanda was born. I had gone through a series of broken relationships with women that for one reason or another eventually ran their course and fizzled out. It had been a long time since I was even really interested in a female for anything than casual encounters. I had been hurt so much in my life by failed relationships I really just had no idea how to fall in love. And entering my early Forties was not looking forward to the prospect of getting into another relationship.

*************************

After returning home I had decided to move into a new apartment. Strangely that move into new surroundings signaled the beginning of my latest bout of depression. I thought that I needed a change, but that change was done spur of the moment without any real thought. The last week of October right after I moved into my new apartment, I was informed that my research contract would not be renewed on November 1.
So here I was…..New apartment and my career in jeopardy.
Although I picked up and still maintain a small gig for doing research on John Wilkes Booth (I live in the Land of Lincoln, where that name is a very sore subject) my goal has always been to write a book on Hitler. My degree in German History has not accorded me the accolades of more prestigious scholars. In fact, most of my career has been doing research for very famous Historians and letting my work get their name under it. I am haunted by that fact every day of my life. Luckily I have been able to live on my savings for the last 3 or 4 months until I have the opportunity for my ship to come in.

So, as depressed as I was, I spent most of my time between the Booth studies and staring at the walls. Booth became boring to me, and like Booth, I began to drink heavily. Nothing it seemed was working at all until I received a message from Amanda the first week of November. We had not spoken via email for a week or two, and she actually wondered what had happened to me. The last sentence was a question posed to me. A question that Amanda asked me that would change my life forever:

“Do you IM”?

Early November was very cold in Illinois, but my heart began to warm the following Monday, as I finally got my IM installed and by chance not only added Amanda, but saw that she was online. She said that day that she was in the Library studying. We talked about everyday things, which included what she wanted to do with her education, and a little background about each other. Nothing was said more than small talk. The conversation continued well into that afternoon, culminating with Amanda finally signing off shortly before 5 in the afternoon. That first day we had almost conversed for 5 hours. I ended the conversation by telling her what a pleasure it had been to finally meet her, and that I was becoming a “big fan”. We talked the next day, and the next day. This was fast becoming a great conversation. Amanda had a lot on her plate. She seemed eager to talk with someone just in a friendly manner. It is my firm belief that Amanda at this initial stage was as attracted to my words as I was to hers. She began to open up little by little. Amanda is quite an intelligent woman. She really can converse on a variety of subjects for such a young age. In fact, I commented to her more than once that she was “wise beyond her years”.

Over the course of that week we spoke every day for at least 4 to five hours. I wanted to know more about her. I wanted to know as much as possible about her. Amanda began to feel more comfortable opening up, because in her own words I was a “gentleman”. I always was toward her. She had always accorded me respect, as did I toward her. We shared the same opinions on many subjects and shared a like sense of humor. She told me that during one of her classes that she had hit my site and one of my more humorous blogs had gotten her laughing to the point that she was asked to leave the class. That is a compliment like no other. My sense of humor is what has always sustained me. My irreverence in my writing has always been done for effect. That was just the reaction I was looking for, although not from Amanda in particular. She really seemed to enjoy talking to me. She would have to cut out around the same time for work every night. At any rate, the conversations were becoming more and more intricate, as we began to not only talk about a wide variety of subjects, but also more and more compliments shot back on the screen between the both of us.

In just that short period of time we had already begun to develop a certain rapport.

Her blogs became funnier and funnier with each passing day. She began to relate her experiences more and more often on her site. She had some rather interesting stories to tell about beating a fat lady up at the strip club, of getting her new snake, aptly named Sinner, and of being crazy enough to let her friends borrow her bike.

One day as we were chatting, she mentioned to me that she was getting some annoying messages from a potential suitor online, whom she was in the process of telling to “fuck off”(this phrase is Amanda’s favorite of all phrases; it suits her well in most capacities, as will be shown later). Upon her telling me this, I mentioned to her that her phone number was on her contact card. She immediately was stunned:

“What, are you fucking kidding me? I must have been drunk. You know though, I guess that I wouldn’t mind it if you have my phone number”.
I asked her if she had one of the “sexy New England accents”. She responded in the affirmative.

I made the excuse that I had something to do and I was going to sign off. I did have an ulterior motive, however. Now was my chance to actually put a voice to that beautiful face. I thought about it for a moment. I thought this may come back to bite me, but I had to take a chance on hearing what she sounded like. So about two minutes later I did what I would not normally do……I rang her up.

“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s me. I’m sorry, but I just HAD TO KNOW WHAT YOU SOUNDED LIKE. I JUST HAD TO!”
There was a moment of silence on the line. She later told me she was caught off guard, because she thought the voice was familiar. The voice was PERFECT. It was one of the thickest accents I’d ever heard out of New England. It was also sexy as hell, what I could understand of it. It consisted of a few moments of embarrassed giggling on both ends. Then after that I quickly hung up. I quickly sent an email apologizing for my transgression, simply stating I “just had to do it”. I got a response almost as quickly: “You loved it and you know it. Haha”!

Amanda had already begun to get into my blood that quickly. Amanda was in my blood and there was little I could do to stop it. She was already there. I just didn’t know it yet.