In 1850, in his poem, In Memoriam: 27, Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote the following:
I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost;
Than never to have loved at all.
Tennyson knew what he was talking about all those years ago. Those words apply to the second act of this story. For everything that had transpired up to that point, my world was about to come crashing down in flames. Tennyson was very much in love. I look at the poem in its entirety, and think about everything that has happened to my life since that day in December. It will help explain to the reader beforehand at what point in time I now find myself, and my heart.
After not speaking to Amanda that afternoon, I happened to look at her website. All of a sudden an entry was posted. It was wrenching. Amanda was so confused about what had happened earlier that day between her mother and her. She was upset, because of the horrible relationship that she had with her mother over the course of her lifetime. Confused over going on with life as she knew it, or to turn back to help financially. A decision understandably had to be made for the sake of a woman’s mother. Amanda was unreachable by phone, text, email, and Instant messenger for days. I was in shock because just hours before we had professed our love for each other, and now this happened. How could I help? I tried to get hold of Amanda to offer support. She would not return my calls. She would not return my emails. The blog entry had sounded desperate and chaotic. I was extremely worried about Amanda. Worried to the point that I thought that maybe she had done something drastic. How was I to know, for she did not contact me? I was inconsolable. On the very same day that I was so happy, tragedy struck. I posted a blog on my website in hopes that Amanda would contact me, all to no avail.
I just could not understand why she could not take 2 minutes to call me to tell me she was alright. Regardless of what happened, this was not the action of somebody who had said they were in love such a short time ago. I realized that different people have different reactions to bad occurrences, however why she couldn’t just call me for two minutes to say she was safe, or an update on the situation did not make sense to me. It would not make sense to anyone. A person who is newly in love sometimes is blinded by their surroundings, but the silence still made no sense to me. As much contact as we had recently had, it was strange, to say the least. I had no news, no information. I offered in an email to come to her to help anyway I could.
8 days later I received a text from her. Although short, it relieved me somewhat. She had obviously read my email that I was giving up on contacting her because I didn’t understand why she couldn’t get hold of me. In the text she said that she loved me, that it was not anything to do with me, that she was attempting to sell her home, and that she had a lot going on. The message cut off (which this became a recurring theme with texts, in that her texts to me sometimes did not come through completely, hence it caused a communication breakdown that led to a host of problems between us) at that point. I figured that she would call me or something within the next day or so. Once again, a few days passed without any word on the condition of Amanda or her mother. I felt bad that she was attempting to sell her house. I tried to contact her again, because I wanted to give her some support. No response.
I admit that maybe I was wrong in trying to contact her, but just having what had transpired between us finally saying how we felt affected everything I did that week. I was despondent, depressed, and confused beyond words. Of all the holidays to occur, Christmas was fast approaching without any word from Amanda.
On Christmas Eve, I sent an e-card to Amanda, apologizing for trying to contact her. I began to feel that I was adding to her troubles. At this point, however, I began to become a little upset that she refused to send me any more contact. I tried calling her on Christmas Eve. No response. I had decided, because I was upset that I would spend Christmas away from my family, against their wishes. The loss of Amanda had affected me greatly. I had already been losing weight on purpose. I now refused to eat or sleep. I went at one stretch close to 60 hours without sleeping, because I was so upset. Then Christmas Day came.
I had not slept in days. I was upset over how things had turned out. I was upset over the fact that Amanda had not contacted me. I was upset that she was nowhere to be found. I was alone on Christmas, missing the woman that I loved. I felt heartbroken. I felt like she could have at least called me. Not knowing any information about what was going on, other than the cryptic text message of a week earlier, I finally broke with my senses, for I felt my world was coming down around me.
With what had now become anger, I fired off an email that was to say the least, vicious. In saying goodbye to Amanda that day, I railed upon her for not contacting me after all that time, saying in no uncertain terms that I felt like she had no “common decency” for at least not attempting to wish me a Merry Christmas. What I wrote that day I am not proud of in any sense. It was brutal. My only defense is that I had no idea what was going on. I could only go on the assumption that since Amanda had not contacted me that she did not wish to continue our relationship. It was probably the angriest Id felt in many years. Once again, not something I’m proud of. It was awful of me to do.
With that being done, I felt completely lost. I knew that it was akin to throwing down a gauntlet. I realized immediately after I sent it what a huge mistake it was. I began to cry. I was spending that day alone at my father’s house in northern Illinois. My father was upset that I demanded that he leave his own house for the Holiday. He did as I requested, but not without a tearful moment of questioning my sanity. After sending that email, and sending him away, I realized that I had indeed let my mind and insecurities get the best of me.
Another incident that happened that afternoon is something I am not proud of. I went to my car that afternoon, and retrieved a gun. I then went inside my father’s house, sat down in a chair, and put the gun in my mouth. In the course of two weeks, I had gone from the happiest man on Earth to the point of pulling a trigger and blowing my brains out. Hindsight being 20/20, I feel that the depression medication that I had been taking, along with the copious amounts of alcohol, and my resentments over my plight drove me to do it. I had never even considered it before. Now I was a broken man in all respects.
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A day or so later, I went to Chicago. I wanted to be with some of my friends that I missed. I had not spoken to anyone about Amanda at all, for in my town, I had no one to speak to. I had kept everything inside until I hit a boiling point that only time could heal. The second night I was there, as I returned from a bar drowning my sorrows by myself (as I had yet to speak to my friends about what had happened) I received an email from Amanda. As you could expect, the tone was not one of consolation. It was rather a message basically taking me to task for acting in such a selfish and insulting manner. Amanda’s favorite phrase was also there…..”Fuck Off”. She had said that on Christmas Day she was in her mother’s Hospital room wondering if she would wake up from surgery. She said that she had to sell her house, her truck, and her ATV’s. Naturally, she said that she would like a response if I wasn’t so insulting and selfish. Otherwise, I could “fuck myself”.
I immediately got on the phone to her, although it was after 3 in the morning. I apologized profusely, but tried to explain that I would have never written that message in the first place HAD I KNOWN WHAT WAS GOING ON. I asked her to call me as soon as possible. She did the next evening. We talked. She asked me how I could do such a thing. I tried to explain to her my position. Although I wasn’t sure she understood I tried anyhow. When we hung up the phones, I was less than confident I’d ever hear from her again. As New Year’s Eve passed into New Year’s Day, I had sent her best wishes, without response. I had once again given up all hope.
Later that day, Amanda contacted me by IM. We talked for about 20minutes. I apologized for the email, and told her how much I loved her. She was very cordial, and told me not to worry about it, and that she still loved me. I asked her about her mother, and she did not have much to say. As a matter of fact, Amanda stated that she was pretty melancholy about the whole thing. She wondered aloud whether or not she would be able to handle it if her mother passed. Soon afterward, Amanda broke from the conversation without warning. I figured that I had said something wrong yet again, and sat at my friend’s house in silence. About two hours later, Amanda sent me an email that she loved me and that she hoped I understood that she had to leave the conversation because of the thought of her mother’s condition. Then later that day, she sent me another email with a poem that SHE had written for me. It was a wonderful poem. The nicest gift anyone had ever given me. It just goes to show that no matter what, Amanda can be that sweet, loving woman that I fell in love with, despite being under so much pressure. What a sweet, wonderful woman.
Armed with the knowledge that we had a chance to start over again, I left Chicago with a smile. I was going to begin to work on my book again. Maybe I could save Amanda and me. Maybe we could pick up where everything left off that sunny December morning. It was worth everything to me to try. Amanda is like no other woman I’ve ever known. Beyond each of our own character flaws lies true love. I returned home with the hope that we could be happy again and see each other, for it was, and still remains to this day the ONE thing I most want on this Earth. We began to talk on the phone again. However, the circumstances surrounding our communications gave me very skeptical feelings about where our relationship was going to go.
Amanda did begin to call me rather than send me emails. I became a little apprehensive about things, when the first week of January her calling patterns became different. She had mentioned to me before the end of the Year that she had quit her dancing job, however when I asked her what she was going to do for employment, she gave me no answer at all, which I thought was odd. During this first week of the New Year, she called me at the same time of day on almost every occasion. She was always on the way to a party at a “friends” house. I thought it odd that for someone who had so much going on, with selling the house, school coming up for the spring semester, and taking financial care of her mother’s treatment, Amanda was spending an awful lot of time going to parties. Pretty much every time I talked to her on the phone, she was either in a store, in a parking lot, or in her car on the way to a party. A red flag went up in my mind, but I did not pry. Amanda can be a woman of few words when she wants, and being 1000 miles away, I had no choice but to take her word for it.
Toward the end of that week she told me that she had an interview to do some modeling for auto shows. She told me that she would be getting a large sum of money for each show. Those shows would include things such as photo shoots. Granted, Amanda is quite a beautiful woman. Most exotic dancers are. But the amount of money she told me just did not sound right to me. All talk of when we were going to see each other had stopped. I picked up on that right away. On the subsequent conversation I had with her I began to ask some questions. I asked when she had closed on her house, since she had told me in response to the Christmas Day email that she had sold her property. She then told me that she had not as of yet sold her house. I asked her how her mother was doing. I got a one word response: Good. I inquired as to what she had been doing. The answer: I’m on my way to a party at a friend’s house. I then made an off handed remark about myself going to a party over the weekend and being in the company of less than desirable people. Amanda had always joked with me that one of the reasons she enjoyed me was that her friends were “toothless hicks”. I always thought that was cute. I made the mistake of saying that I was at the party with friends like she had.
Amanda became enraged at the comment, said “EXCUSE ME?” and promptly hung up on me. I tried to call her back to explain that I was making a joke. I called her many times. On one occasion she picked up the phone and said into it: “Stop calling me. I’m with my toothless friends!” She hung up. Pissed off as I was, I went to a bar and proceeded to get drunk. On my third drink I received a text from her. It said two words: “Sorry Yet?”
I was livid. I now felt that not only was she being less than honest with me about what she had been doing, but the message implied to me that she was now at the stage where she was taking my love for her for granted. I sent an email to her that I was not happy with the situation, and that I would hold back until she contacted me. Two days later, she did. Two days later I had at least some answers to my questions about where our relationship was going.
After missing a phone call from her, I decided to give her a ring. She answered, but from the moment she did, she was hesitant to say anything. She told me she was folding clothes at home. She said she wasn’t mad at me about the comment. However, she refused to say much else other than “yes….no….uh huh”. She sounded like she was in a closet talking to me, because her tone was hushed. Another red flag immediately sprung up. I could tell that she wanted to be anywhere on Earth but talking to me. I decided that I was going to at least try to find out what was going on. I asked her about her grades at school. She would only answer with a question. “How do you think I did?” She then said very quietly that she was at her parent’s house. Had she just not told me that she was at home? One thing that shot into my mind was this. Anytime I ever talked to Amanda and she was at her own home, her cell phone reception was crystal clear. That was the case that night.
Every time she was on the road near her parent’s house, her phone signal would go dead every time without fail. I remembered when she had told me that day we said we loved each other that when she was going to her parent’s house that she would jump on the IM, because she got no signal at that location. I asked her if she loved me. She said “you know I do” in an extremely hushed tone. I asked her to say it to me. She refused. I asked her what was wrong. She said nothing. Then the strangest and lamest attempt to get someone off the telephone in the history of relationships occurred. I had just lit up a cigarette and was sitting back enjoying it. She asked me if I was smoking. I responded in the affirmative. She said to me:
“Those things aren’t good for you, and you know that”.
She hung up the phone on me right then and there.
There was someone else with her in her house. There was someone else in her life. Maybe the whole time we were talking all those months, there was someone else.
I had my answers.
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It was shortly after that that I decided that I had to write this article. During that time I also decided that I would never forget how it all was ending. I am so much in love and it was painful as hell to figure out that she had found somebody else. It was equally hurtful to me that Amanda couldn’t bring herself to be honest and just tell me she had someone else. I felt betrayed. I had cried my eyes out wondering where she was all through December. I almost killed myself because of it; my heart had been broken by her before. It was broken yet again. I decided that a trip across the pond to Europe was in order. I had to borrow money in order come here to Berlin, where I am currently at. I did not have any idea that I would be here this soon. I expected not to be here for at least another week. However I did what I thought was the right thing and contacted Amanda. I wanted to let her know that I was going to be undertaking this piece. My intent was to let her know beforehand that it was going to be published. Even though I was not obligated in any way to do so, my love for her dictated that I inform her.
It was only fair.
After Amanda hung up on me, I did virtually give up. I did let her know how much I still loved her. I informed her that I was going to Amsterdam. I did not think to let her know I was going to Germany first. Last Friday night I was out doing a good deed for my neighbor by bailing him out. When I returned I was stunned to see that Amanda had called me. She had left a text earlier in the day after I informed her about Europe. She simply had said “Have Fun”. I didn’t really think too much about the text, but I did think about the call. We text messaged each other on Saturday. Although I missed yet another call from her that evening, she sent me another text. This one was cut off also in mid transmission, so I only got part of it. We both knew that we had been thinking about each other, and how things had ended. The text was an apology of sorts from Amanda. She was sorry that she had confused me. She also said that she knew what we have is real. She hated the fact that we were so far apart, and it just got to her.
I really did not want to come here to Berlin. I half bought my ticket praying that Amanda would beg me to come to her. I wanted for her to ask me to cancel this business about coming thousands of miles away and just work it out. That is what I so much wanted. In spite of the fact at how everything fell apart, I still would give anything to be at her side and loving her the way she needs to be loved. She had such a shitty life. I so still want to be her knight in shining armor. I wanted to be with my angel with pink wings.
We did have another conversation on Sunday afternoon. It did not go well for either of us. I was still full of resentment at how things ended. She knew it from my voice. I became accusatory at her motives, feeling like I was toyed with in the end. Amanda left the conversation again, half out of anger and half out of sorrow. Again, she was gone. In my mind it was just another occurrence of what it’s like at the end of a relationship. I fired off an angry email to her about leaving me yet again. It was again something I’m not proud of. I shelled her with my anger and my feeling of betrayal. It was mean spirited and horrible. Later that evening I got my flight switched to come over here as soon as possible. I felt like I was driven off the continent by the last phone conversation I had with her. I let her know that.
So here I am, writing the last few words about everything. I when I started this I thought that I would feel better. I don’t. I feel worse. I feel like everything was never resolved. I made plenty of mistakes during the course of my short time knowing Amanda. Being honest however, is never a mistake, no matter what circumstances.
If you think that after what you have read that I hate Amanda, you would be dead wrong. I love her. I love her in ways that only she and I can imagine. She is still my princess, my angel. No matter what happened. No matter what the future holds for either of us, I could never hate her. Although I went as far as accusing her of NEVER loving me, in reality I know that even though we never touched each other, smelled each other’s hair, never even laid eyes on each other, that in her own Amanda way she does in fact love me. No one could ever go through what we both did and not be changed by each other.
Amanda showed me how to fall in love again after years of never thinking it possible. Amanda is still a very sweet, loving woman. To me even through all of this, she will remain the most wonderful woman I’ve ever known. My biggest wish for her is to be safe, well, and successful. She is smart, tough, and beautiful beyond words. I will never forget her, for Amanda is seared into my memory. I will love that woman for the rest of my life. No one could ever compare to her. The feelings of love that I have for her will never die, regardless of whether I see her or not. Amanda is that unforgettable.
I told Amanda that I would be sure to give her this before anyone else saw it. I am going to be true to my word, as I always have been with her, and send this to her from half way around the world. I also promised her that I would end this on a high note. On something that made me smile. I could only end this with the gift that she gave me on New Year’s Day. I want to end this with the best memory I can have of her, and how she loved me once upon a time. She said it was the best she could come up with at the time. I think it is the greatest poem ever written by anyone.
I love you, Amanda.
When I first talked to you,
I didn't know what to say,
But the more we talked,
The more my heart gave way
But now when I think of you,
And how you changed my life,
I can't imagine,
A day without your light
You light up my day
As if you were the sun
You are that sense of completion
When each day is done
I think of you all day
And dream of you all night
And every night I wish
That you could hold me tight
You are always on my mind
No matter what time or day
Even when I shouldn't
I think about you anyway
And when I think of you this much
The day seems so long
And all the time we spend apart
Just seems so wrong
You are my special gift
Sent from up above
Sent to me from heaven
Sent for me to love
Thank you for your smile
And your light that fills my dreams
You always make it brighter
No matter how dark it seems
